it's my last couple of days in san diego i am very dissapointed in certain people i don't know why i am reacting now lol. anyhow hieu is still not talking to me i don't think he even wants to see me before i go on tuesday which is fine. what can you do right? i think i am going to start writing in my journal books. i was reading through it last night and i forgot how much more intimate and special it is to have something like that. granted it's much more faster for me to type my feelings but alot of times i don't get my feelings across as well as i would want to with online blogging as opposed to writing in my journal..i guess cause i can take the time i need to think. anyways what ever reason it is for.. i am going to start doing that now so this might be a little bit neglected ill try my best to update as much as possible. love jae
it's my last couple of days in san diego i am very dissapointed in certain people i don't know why i am reacting now lol. anyhow hieu is still not talking to me i don't think he even wants to see me before i go on tuesday which is fine. what can you do right? i think i am going to start writing in my journal books. i was reading through it last night and i forgot how much more intimate and special it is to have something like that. granted it's much more faster for me to type my feelings but alot of times i don't get my feelings across as well as i would want to with online blogging as opposed to writing in my journal..i guess cause i can take the time i need to think. anyways what ever reason it is for.. i am going to start doing that now so this might be a little bit neglected ill try my best to update as much as possible. love jae
i love that song right not the original mix..i don't know what the name of the mix is that i like. there are so many..lol. anyways. i went to go see the harvey milk movie last night it was truly amazing! sean penn really did a great job! i can't believe how good of a job he did playing harvey milk. it was so werid seeing him make out with men though. lol. anyways blah. strong points of the movie that harvey milk..emphazised that it's not the man that's dose the job that is important it's the job that has to be done. me and harvey share and express alot of the same views political and life views. what i really liked about him is he awlways expressed how he felt. and never comprimised who he was. he was the first gay and the first honest politician. who did what he needed to do. and harvey you shall be remembered for ever! let your spirit live on through me and many other gay youth!!
to miss you hieu..=( i am very very sad tonight i can't believe i am leaving san diego already, and who knew that my life would have ended up this way you know what i mean.
talking about lack of motivation in my parents which gave birth to my brother and sisters ambition and motivation to strive toward a better life...my friend kevin said.
"[ speaking of ambition, or lack thereof, do you still hear about larry
[16:36] starlightslove86: every now and then from annie
[16:37] starlightslove86: he's still working the same dead end job living with dain in dead end el cajon..
[16:37] starlightslove86: i
guess its a good think he broke up with me..our lives are in two
different directions now. he would have held me back from doing what i
wanted to because of my own idealitic though of love
[16:37] thischarminboi: yeah
[16:38] thischarminboi: you've progressed in leaps and bounds
[16:38] thischarminboi: he's still inthe same place
[16:38] starlightslove86: it's kinda sad actually
[16:38] thischarminboi: he's a puddle and you're a river
[16:38] starlightslove86: awww kevin
[16:38] starlightslove86: that's the nicest thing ver
[16:38] starlightslove86: ever 
[16:38] thischarminboi: 
so here are the lyrics to the Taylor Swift song "white horse" with a picture of Michael! sigh, this song is so perfect for my situation and my leaving san diego. oh so charming you are Michael..
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.
my going away party!! was awesome..hieu kissed me for the very very first time..he's a good kisser. and i am glad michael showed up i am glad everyone who was there was there for me! anyways i will blog more into detail about it later.
joseph
everything about him..seems so perfect. even though i've felt like a rebound from him. he saw what ever good in me how ever long i was in san diego. he's also the reason why i needed to leave. i need to focous on my carrier and my life before anything else. i am sorry but my main goal is not to get into a relationship at the moment it's just to make something of myself i still have so much i have to fix in my self before anyone else could love me. i just feel sad i feel like if we had met in different circumstances like him being broken up for a while and me having a nice body and a great job and done with college, things would have worked out for us but i guess it wont ever know but who knows what the future holds and i don't want to lead my self on. i guess this is my own insecurity coming to the surface when i say this. but sometimes i think people only want to be with me for the sex! as karen carpenter sang "the way that people come and go through temporary lives, i could lose my chance and never know"
your like a drug as cliche as that may seem,
if i miss my daily dose i can't function without you,
my mood has been altered and it makes me sick,
i am a like a starved addict,
waiting for it's high,
i fell for it, your smile your approach,
you can capture the heart of many others,
and that is what made me worthless,
i am just another causality of your broken heart,
now if only i could distance my self from you,
i think the only perfect thing was the illusion you painted,
the security and maybe the chance to see more than just that,
all those lines you spoke to me, probably have been muttered to another,
all those lines that broke me, one can only hope for the same hurt in you one day.
i could continue to blame my self, as i always do,
but then in the end, the timing wasn't right for me and you.
i haven't been my self lately. i think i lose apart of me every time someone i like rejects me, i think i am cursed..i thought this guy would be different but apparently i am wrong, i guess as perfect as he was there had to be something right. i guess it's a way to balance the universe i hate people who are hung up on their ex's. and yet they don't mind to fool around with me. or use me for emotional support.i guess he was right when he said "you don't think i am seducing you, do you?" that should have a been a clue there. apart of me thinks he cares we've had very special moments but then yet. moments like tonight where he's going to go out without me..and by himself i know what he wants to accomplish he wants to go out and meet people and fuck them which he is entitled to. were nothing..but i can't help it, it still hurts my feelings. today i came across the very very first text message he sent me. from when we first met. i didn't read the whole thing..then i should have..then maybe the outcome would be a little bit different i missed the last part..here it is
"I don't think i've ever asked for a persons name as many times in a 10 min period as i did yours. hahaha sorry about that. probably a combo of the intense politcal discourse, engaging personality, and devilish good looks =) thanks for the walk/chat...def feel free to gimme a holler."
call me weak but i feel for every little bit of it. all his sweet talk sold my heart to the bitterness it is now. and yet i smile even though the outcome is not what i wanted. i know one day maybe without any of the complications i will find the happiness from another one who will love me..i know sounds very idealistic right? but even though i am making a relationship sound like my main importance it's really not. i for once would just like to have things be simple instead of difficult when it comes to men. i am tired of finding men who are still in love with their ex's it drives me nuts..or even worse i am tired of men who have boyfriends who don't tell me later into our dating. sigh. and i know this i am being very codependent on him i am expecting him to give me my happiness! which i should not. but i can't help it he's like the only thing that makes me happy these days besides me making scarfs. i guess maybe another time we would be perfect for each other...but i guess not now..now is not our moment sigh...
HERE'S TO LIFE..KEEP LIVING, KEEP LOVING, AND NEVER REGRET.
