i keep hearing all these things about obama being a great leader, how he is a great leader, but yet he is not president yet lol! maybe he's done some good things in Illinois but nothing that i can say was a big achievement in his whole few years as state senator it goes to show you, that anybody in America can president or state senator. and i don't mean that as words of inspiration. more like words of disgust lol. i know sorry, on my facebook i wrote another 4 years of facing the mob.. the same mob who bashed me for disliking bush.. remember when he had immunity.. well obama has his right now. but you think that would shut me up right? lol nope. anyways i am side tracking from the real point of me coming here and writing this blog. anyways as i am taking the bus to UCSD i stop to think about leadership i think of all the things people say that make a great leader. i hear obma's name mentioned many times. they say a great leader can compromise, a great leader dosen't cause wars etc blah i am sure you've all been hearing most of this philosophical stuff these days..since the inauguration. anyhow. then i start to think about propisiton 8 and about how much cowards the people working for the no on 8 campaign were. and how i got so much conflict with them..keep in mind i never called them that. i just didn't like their approach i am a very very abrasive person when it comes to things like this..and i remember this one time this one guy approached me at starbucks and said to me..you know fighting with the other side wont' do anything, and i thought today i should have say..and neither will laying down and admiting defeat either. and letting them say things..we need to fight back. then i start to think about leaders again. how they are different, they don't get greeted with praise and applaud until maybe their death or for something they worked for..and that leades me to say obama is not a real leader just a fucking sheep hurdler, wowing the idiot masses who fall for his bullshit...ok not my point just had to say that but anyways. that lead me to my point great leaders..who can deceied what a leader is..who are we to define a leader..everything is subjective, and perspective.. we all can say one thing and then another thing can happen. then i start to notice no leader got things easy..a leader dose not compromise..and a leader dose not back down..do you think blacks compromised for their freedom back in the day hell no!! there is no such thing as half rights...and same thing for gays were not going to back down.. there is no such things as half rights.. and for those who thing we should do things the non confrontational way guess what! blah
tonight as throwing away my left over food that i didn't want to eat because it tasted like poop. i stood in the area where the trash is and thought what happened to my life.. i was so up i had things i had everything and then just like that it's all gone from me. i am poor again...i have no one to blame but my self but you know what you live you learn right. but still none the less it dosen't help the situation at this particular time. i think i am depressed i am avoiding men. i am avoiding my friends i am avoiding life..i don't do shit these days. god i hate this part of me..i feel disgustingly fat. and don't want to be seen by anyone. i guess "i am not the loving kind"
i usually do this at the end of every not the beginning but i thought hey lets try something not really. no planning her nothing intended. anyways i love reflecting and posting this stuff it's good to look back and reflect on early posts and this will soon enough be a thing of past. now for my post..a quick recap of 2008...22nd year of living.
the year went by fast, i used to care and fret over how much older i am getting or how time would go by fast now i just don't care..i am more concearned with more important things in life. anyways a lot of changes happened through out the year. my father went to the hospital almost died. i failed in school because i was working full time taking care of my sister. and running back forth to the hospital to take of my dad's medical bills and find him some kind of way to pay not to mention driving 56 miles from where i live to feed his stupid dog. paying his bills it was a very hard time in my life. dee's car went out shortly after that we were carless for the rest of our stay in san diego. i bought a lot of shit i didn't need this year a brand new TV and brand new computer a brand new cell phone which ended being shitty as hell! never ever get the samsung glyde! so in the middle of year i thought i needed change so because dee lost her job and couldn't pay rent next month because she was broken and i was practically paying for everything yes the economy got that bad in san diego no where was hireing...so i felt like hmm maybe i should move up with her to SF i need change i want it why not free rent. find a job up there make changes meet new people i was tired of hillcrest anyways seeing the same old people every fucking day was getting to me. so we packed up and left. i saw so much this year of california i've been places i never thought i would go. i went into nevada and stayed with her grandmother which was a pleasent experience. then after grulling week of being back in SF we finally made our way into the city i wanted to be..keep in mind i was singing "one short day" in my head (it's a song from the musical wicked for those who are not familar) i loved it! everything about it! it was a bigger city than SD and keep in mind it was freezing but i didn't mind it i was in the city that i wanted to be!! so a month into my stay in nor cal! our landlord said he would not return our deposit and i wasn't about to lose it so i made the hard choice of flying back down to SD while dee stayed up there to find a job and get situated i was going to be gone for maybe 1 week or 2 weeks at most..that's what i thought! lol it turned out to be 2 months. i went to court filed took care of that and waited from septermber 4th to november 4th crazy wait right? i wanted my money but i still don't even know what the courts decesion was sigh.. anyways side tracking i got back to san diego i didn't want to be there all i would talk about was how i wanted to back to SF how i hated SD!! non stop...it took me a while to get my groove back you know..so months go by i stay most of my time with marcus, i fall into reading non stop i go through werid phases where i obsiviouly do things lol. and reading happend to be one of those thing lol. i would go to 24 hours to vist hieu. who was just a friend of mine funny thing is we ended up getting closer and something then happend i started to have feeling for him. i never thought i would i never told him this and i wanted to tell him the day we were laying on his bed right before he took me to the air port!
i wish i wrote down what happened in the last 2 weeks that i was in san diego. But maybe there is a legitimate reason why i can't remember. maybe my subconscious is protecting me from being hurt. either way i was hurt...it's been a month since i've left san diego and those times just seem like forgive me for sounding stupid but years away even though it was last year or techinically just 1 month ago. i can't help but to feel like it was just oh so long ago. and i know this sounds stupid of pessimistic but who knows when a thing like that will happen to me. it was a very intresting time in my life. the protesting the fighting..with people on my own side because there cowards and they want to censor our consturctive anger! people thinking i am to radical and people blamming each other for our loss. the sad thing a lot of people look up to our new president i really don't in fact many of you know i've never really liked him. everyone just glorifys him and it makes me sick..i have no respect for some flip flopping moderate bastard. i know how extremist of me. anyways i go astray from this post.. can't get lost in a political tangent as always. i enjoy being up here in SF and expereincing the bay area.. i just wish i had one of my friends from san diego here to enjoy it with me. don't get me wrong dee is here with me. but she's so suffocating at times she's like an emotional leach at times i know what a horrible way to describe but all i am these days i just angry at her. i need my space from her i wish i could make friends i just don't know where to start. she's moving back to san diego i don't know where i stand i think ill stay up here maybe find a roomate on craiglist or something because i really don't want to move back to san diego. as much as i say i miss it. i just miss my close friend.. yes friend lol sad i know huh lol anyways we'll see what the future holds love me
