2 posts from August 2009

were laughing, at your insecurities.
you pointed them out to us,
check your hands for the afks
and the many false implications.
it's obvious your paranoid.
always thinking your  being lied to.
those are my implications
you or i don't have to live either of them.

Yesterday i was going through my old computer, which i am surprised still runs it's from back in 04 i guess computers can last forever if you take care of them. suck on that mac!! anyhow i go astray from what this is actually about. on my computer my roommate found a picture of me. From back when i weighed 120 pounds keep in mind i am 5'6 which is 20 pounds below normal weight. keep in mind as well i weighed 110 at one point. but after feinting and becoming hypoglycemic i had to gain weight otherwise i was giving my self diabetes and other health complications. anyways during this time period in my life. I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I thought i was fine i thought everyone else was making a big deal around me. i wasn't starving my self i just wasn't eating anything with fat. i became obsessed and worked out all the time.  if first started back at the end of 06 i wanted to lose weight so men could be attracted to me more. I weighed 150 pounds and i was still recovering from a horrible break up and was bitter about life. i  guess my weight was the only thing i had control over somewhat in my mind. but i didn't ever see it that way. i never thought it was about control. in fact i was happy most of the time i loved it when people starting giving me more attention i love every bit of it. here is that picture of when i weighed 120

  i don't remember taking this picture i think i was obsessed with my body taking pictures trying to find the fat on my body. it's so funny I thought i was so fat then too. i remember telling the dr. once when she weighed me i didn't want to see my weight. and she was instantly concerned why. i also said to the dr..how is it possible that i weight 120 pounds and still have fat around me.. what i didn't know then was it was lose skin. =( anyhow that was a very long recovery. like i said i was in denial. it took me a year later to realize omg i had an eating disorder. there was something wrong with me. it's funny you can't see it at the time. now i have a whole different out look on life. it took me working at a gym to change my eating habits to get healthy and to get a better healthy body and lose weight the right way, when i started to gain weight from muscle mass i freaked out!!! but i told myself the scale is not my friend don't be so scale fixated. so i let it go and then the parts of my body i was unhappy with or i should say the fat (loose skin) went away. my out look on men changed since then. I decided right then and there if someone is gonna love me they are gonna love me for me. my personality and everything i have to offer as a person not material possessions or looks. the funny things you go through in life. i was only 20 then. now 3 years later =) and @ 145 pounds i am happier than I've ever been granted i don't' like my body but it's for complete different reason. lol peace bitches =)

btw this is writing if for more of a way to get closure on things in my life. self remedie.